After being a bachelor for a decade and a half (assuming we start counting at age 18), my relationships began to change, or what most would say, "improve." At first it didn't look a lot different on the outside. Some encounters were first dates only, some where 2-3 dates, and one has become my life partner. I call this "success" not because of the partnership, but because I became honest with myself and others. As a result, I became crystal clear why I was dating and when I wanted partnership.

Before writing this article, I looked closely at my past dating relationships. Much of my dating life was based in one form of ego or another, and mostly unconscious. By unconscious I don't mean wrong, I simply mean I wasn't sure why I was doing what I was doing.

LET'S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK...

As a young people, man or woman, we feel attraction to other people and see dating, marriage, partnership and breakups happen all around us. We do our best to understand it but we are rarely fully conscious of why we're interacting the way we are, except that everybody else seems to be doing the same thing. Unfortunately, the confusion has transcended generation after generation, and we've decided not to talk about it. 

(ENTER THE MALE ROOM TV):

As I audit past dating relationships, I see that behind the actions were a variety of emotions including curiosity, fear, lust and desire for acceptance (among others). For example, some women I really wanted to get to know, some I was only physically attracted to, and some I considered challenges to see if I could "get them to like me." I also dated women that were least likely to get in my way as I bulldozed through my selfish life. The common denominator was ZERO awareness of why I was doing what I was doing. To be clear, emotions did exist (I'm not a sociopath), but I didn't have the perspective to understand that I was unconsciously reacting to that emotion. Today I'm more conscious. 

WHY ARE YOU DATING?

What are you truly looking for in your dating relationships? I know it may sound elementary or even laughable but open yourself up to the deeper reason you choose the people you do to date, partner with and marry. Ask yourself if you're really looking for one person to partner with. If you're not, that is what it is - not right or wrong. If you're dating for any other reason, that's fine too. Attempt to get clear on what that reason is. 

IS IT EGO?

If you continue to choose weak partners, enablers or co-dependent partnerships, there's a good chance some form of ego is directing you. I often see men with controlling egos. They choose women with low self-worth or women that have decided their only value is to be "chosen" by a man to care for him and his children. The relationship is doomed as each partner only enables the other to continue to feed their ego and eventually self-destructs. He get's to remain in pseudo-control of his life and she no longer fears public scrutiny that she's abnormal or god-forbid, "single." 

It's important to note that "traditional-appearing" relationships can work. One partner can care for the children while the other has a career and earns the money. However, the underlying motivation of each person in the relationship needs to match. That is to say each person needs to have self love and then openly choose into the partnership based on being stronger together rather than trying to fill a void. 

IS IT FOR PARTNERSHIP?

At some point in your life you may have self love and desire partnership. You will find yourself able to quickly walk away from non-synergistic relationships and at the same time, magically capable of fully loving another person when a worthy candidate shows up. Certainly there will still be discussion and even negotiation throughout the relationship, but there is an awareness that your partner's perspective adds to your experience rather than takes away from it. The myth that "compromise" and not getting what you want is part of every relationship will transform to the wonderful revelation that your life is greater through making choices together. 

DOES IT HAVE TO BE FOR PARTNERSHIP OR FOR EGO?

No. When you become conscious, you can date for whatever reason you want. Be present to the emotions and thoughts behind your actions. Let's take the example of somebody who's dating simply to have sex. A conscious person will have this conversation directly rather than leave that bullet point out during the dating process. A conscious person will be honest (before sex) and allow the other to choose in or out based on all the information. An unconscious person will manipulate and play "the game" without sharing their intention.

Key to my new "success" in relationships, and probably yours, is an awareness of why we're doing what we're doing. Not everybody wants to be in a relationship. Not everybody is ready! So date for fun, date for friendship, date for sex or date for partnership. Simply be conscious of why you're doing it and let your partners know too. Through that openness, anything is possible.