The Male Room receives dozens of messages asking questions or sharing stories about romance in the workplace. In this blog I’ll address the basics as well as the very common situation where at least one of the people is already married.

IT MAKES SENSE

The truth (which is often overlooked) is many people spend more waking hours with their co-workers than with their families. Therefore it is normal to be attracted to somebody at work. Think about it. Every morning you wake up groggy with bad breath looking at your spouse who’s in the same shape as you, drag yourself to the shower and hopefully get your kids off to school. All without much time to share love with your spouse.

Then you arrive at work, dressed up and smelling good. Your co-workers experience your most high-energy and dynamic self while your partner at home only gets you back after your long day when you’re tired and stressed.

YOU HAVE OPTIONS, AND YOUR OPTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES

You have a choice how you will handle your relationships, your work environment, and your life. Getting involved romantically with somebody you work with has its pros, cons and full-on pitfalls.

I personally like the idea of working with my romantic partner. To me it’s natural to want to spend most of my time with people that I favor, and who more than my partner in life? For me it’s a natural fit, but getting there can take many paths.

If you work for a corporation, like many do, there are company guidelines to be aware of. They may require you to notify your manager or Human Resource department if you become involved with somebody romantically. They may prohibit direct family members from working for one another because of a conflict of interest. It’s logical.

I recommend adding common sense to the equation. Know the risks your taking, both written and unwritten, and then choose based on your priorities. If you fall crazy in love with somebody, tell your supervisors and work out the details. If it’s just a date or two, see what happens before making an announcement. Also, be aware that some managers will not favor your choice, and while unwritten, this could affect your treatment. Finally, don’t think you’re fooling anybody. Between the office grapevine and email servers, you don’t have any privacy. Everybody knows what’s going on so it’s best to just own up to it. If you’re seen as hiding the truth, you will be discounted.

THE “OUT OF MY ZIP CODE” MENTALITY

Award trips, training seminars and various business travel somehow stimulate otherwise rational people to make decisions they normally wouldn’t. Maybe it’s the excitement of travel? Maybe it’s the company-sponsored cocktails? Who knows exactly but there is a long history of temporarily insane people hooking up with people they work with when they feel the buzz of opportunity on the road. This can be harmless if both people are single and no damage is caused. But too often one, or both, of these people are already married or in committed relationships with others.

“I KNOW HE'S MARRIED BUT WHAT IF IT’S SERIOUS?”

If you’re the woman being pursued by the married man who sends you love notes (text messages), tells you how beautiful you are and even arranges special meetings between the two of you, you are about to be disappointed. I know what you’re saying to yourself, “This is serious. We’re falling for each other.” What you call “serious,” is likely to turn into a serious disappointment. He may be the nicest guy in the world. He may snuggle with you in your hotel room and kiss you lovingly after your affair. But guess what? He’s lying to the woman at home in bed alone.

What he loves is not you. He loves is the excitement of the unfamiliar that just happens to be you right now.
Here’s a few reality checks for you:

1. Do you really want to be with a guy who’s cheating on his wife with you? What does that say about his depth of character? If he’s really into you, be patient and wait for him to tell his wife he wants to begin seeing you.

2. If he’s cheating on her with you, there’s a pretty good chance you’re not the only one. If a guy is willing to cheat on his wife, it’s hard to imagine a reason to just be with just one woman. Guys will swing for the fences if they’re up to bat.

3. Even if he does divorce his wife, statistics show he’s far more likely to become single again. Very few men leave one woman for another. Most trade in married life for single life.

I KNOW IT CAN BE DISSAPOINTING, BUT THERE’S A HUGE UPSIDE

Sweet text messages and great sex are only as lasting as the lies or truth they’re built on. If you hook up with somebody you work with, married or not, congratulations you just confirmed your reservation among normal, surface-level human beings. But if you want to have a deeper experience, start by firmly establishing self-love. Know that you are deserving of a partner that will risk everything for integrity and truth. Decide what you stand for in the space of an office crush, a marriage and your journey through life. Your relationship is a direct reflection of you.