I recently posted a question on Facebook asking women why they thought men lie. The answers that came back included “they have a congenital defect,” “once a liar always a liar,” and my personal favorite, “men are pussies (I’d never actually seen the word ‘pussy’ in it’s plural form before).”

I can’t speak on behalf of ALL men, but I am a man and here’s part of my story related to this subject. This story is not a justification or and excuse, it’s just a story. Surely it's one of many explanations about why men lie. It’s written for the purpose of creating awareness and hopefully starting a new conversation based in truth. Sometimes in order to head a new direction we have to observe where we came from.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw my mom cry. I was a child but old enough to understand something was wrong. It was a weekend morning at the breakfast table and my mom was upset. Her feelings had been hurt. I saw the tears come down and heard her voice crack. My stomach tightened and my chest felt like it would implode. The feeling was overwhelming. I was confused. Had I done something wrong? My mind was racing and all I could do was try to think of a way to stop her pain. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I took on that it was my job to eliminate her pain. And I couldn’t do it. All I could do was sit and watch.

Later in life, as I began to have relationships with women, I had experiences where those women were upset with me for various reasons. Unconsciously I recalled the pain I saw in my mom’s eyes. I forgot my job, as a moral person, was simply to tell the truth. Instead, from fear of upset, I created a non-truthful explanation (fancy talk for a lie, see I’m still good at it). When I had the choice to either be honest with a woman about a difficult subject, or tell a little lie, I lied because it seemed easier…for me and her.

I learned how easy it was to lie. Little did I know I was both training myself to be a liar and programming women to not trust me, or other men. How? They always figured it out the truth eventually. They always do! If I would’ve told the truth I probably could’ve salvaged a friendship but I didn’t care. I only cared that my ego escaped the discomfort of hurting someone’s feelings.

It was also unfortunate that when I went to other men looking for a solution to handle these situations, I was told, “that’s just the way it is” or “it’s always been done that way.”

If just once I would have been told, “tell her the truth, allow her to feel the pain, and she’ll be stronger for it,” from a credible man, I would’ve tried it sooner.

After years of little white lies and failed relationships, a select few men finally taught me how resilient women are when you tell the truth. They were men that honored their word to everybody, man or woman. Those men helped me understand that my lack of truth in relationships was selfish. I was not protecting the women from pain; I was only protecting myself from the meaning I created from one experience as a boy. I was actually robbing women from the opportunity to deal with the truth. I was doing the same thing men have selfishly been doing since the beginning of time.

Eventually I learned that women are amazing beings that were born to love. They deserve to hear the truth regardless if it hurts their feelings short-term. The truth allows them to be their purposeful, loving selves.

If you are not interested in pursuing a relationship with a woman, telling her the truth frees her mind and her heart to move on and share her lovingness with somebody else when the time is right. But, when we lie, it confuses them (as it would any of us) and triggers a number of subsequent reactions that I’ll talk about in another article.

Women simply want the truth. Not lies to spare their feelings. While they are sensitive, they are able to handle anything you can tell them, as long as it’s from your truth.

So men, be strong and tell the truth above all else. Allow women their experience of your truth. And women, know that men often struggle to share the truth for fear of hurting your feelings. Remind us occasionally that you are loving, but also deserving of the freedom that comes from truth and that you can live with it no matter what.