A fan of The Male Room asked me, “when people have one-night stands, why do women get more attached, and to men it’s just sex?”
Before I answer, it’s important to note that The Male Room’s purpose is to bring awareness to these situations – it’s not to sugar coat anything or promote unconscious behavior. Sometimes I explain what “most guys” are thinking prior to offering a suggestion to bring consciousness to these situations which many of us have at least some experience with. In this case, I’ll first address what is generally happening with unconscious one-night stands (which is most of them). At the end, I’ll make a suggestion on how to be present to your choices next time you encounter this.
THE UNCONCIOUS WOMAN’S ONE-NIGHT STAND
Outside of the very few women looking to safely enjoy sex with a partner they don’t know well, more often a woman will participate in a one-night stand believing it represents a deeper affinity from the man or the possibility of a relationship. It may be her desire for validation or she may believe that if she is willing to have sex shortly after meeting this man, somehow he will see this as an attractive quality and want to see her again (most of the time just the opposite happens).
THE UNCONCIOUS MAN’S ONE-NIGHT STAND
The man is hoping to have sex without having to lie or mislead the woman anymore than he has to ensure the sex. If a few drinks or recreational drug use are involved (furthering the unconsciousness), the lines get pretty blurry and most men will say whatever they need to “seal the deal.”
So, in the unconscious situation, there’s a mismatch of expectations that fuels the cliché that women become more attached and men just want sex. Women are later disappointed when they realize they missed the mark. Actually they don’t usually realize it, hence all the questions and this response.
Unconscious men are simply playing it moment-to-moment. They feel it’s their role to try and take you as far as they can and that you will stop him if, and when you need to. If you don’t, he thinks you want the same thing he does – some “strange.” Furthermore, if you sleep with him but never ask (prior), if you’re going to be in a monogamous relationship, then it doesn’t mean anything to the man because you never talked about it.
Everybody laughs but try this next time and tell me what happens. When you’re out on the town and find yourself adoring a man who is willing to take you home that night, challenge yourself to check-in with your expectations. Before you hook-up or have sex, tell your new beau what you want. SIMPLE. Regardless if this turns into a cuddle-session, blissful co-mingling (I’ve been dying to use that phrase), or a quick taxi ride home, see what happens. You’ll be amazed at what a little communication can do for you, him and the possibility of your time spent together.
I’m not trying to get all psychological on you but be aware of what I revealed. I suggest spending some time with Brad The Love Coach or whatever tools you need to develop self-love. When you know yourself and what you stand for, you’ll know what type of relationships you desire and learn to ask questions of potential partners. If in that consciousness, you seriously want to have a one-night stand, you’ll have a conversation with somebody to insure safety and matching expectations. A conscious person knows that without agreement, you’re manipulating somebody or allowing yourself to be fooled.
Or perhaps you’ll decide one-night stands don’t match up with what you want in your life? Instead you’ll leave that space open for people to show up that match your desires for partnership and friendship. Either way, you’ll be making the choice consciously.
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