Two people are in a “committed” relationship and one of them has a sexual (or “inappropriate”) interaction with another person. The result is a broken agreement and much worse – the beginning of resentment and mistrust.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN SO OFTEN?
There are countless explanations. “I wasn’t feeling loved.” “My wife and I don’t have sex anymore.” “He doesn’t really listen to me.” Or the infamous situations where you had too much to drink or were travelling and made a choice you otherwise wouldn’t have.
No matter what your story is, the ultimate weakness at the core of your behavior is ego. Your ego is your false self. It wants what it wants and doesn’t care what your agreements are with others. It’s also afraid to communicate about subjects that are uncomfortable so instead, it lies after it get’s what it wants. Your ego makes decisions from an emotional and selfish place only. It wants to be liked by everybody so it takes attention from anywhere it’s offered (the affair) and then hides from the people it doesn’t want to be truthful with (your partner).
And then of course there’s the victim. This is when a person takes on the story of “he did this to me” or “she ruined my life.” This is simply the most powerless paradigm a person can live from. The ego justifies by saying, “Well, I’m right. They cheated on me.”
That’s what the ego cares about – being right! It doesn’t care about healing, loving or moving on to create your best life.
If the betrayal, hiding and “victim” label aren’t enough, be aware all these ego-based behaviors manifest in your emotions and in your body whether you know it or not. All of a sudden, you (the cheater) become suspicious of your partner cheating – you unconsciously project your own insecurities onto them. Or you subscribe permanently to being a victim, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in subsequent relationships. Some people manage to conceal their dishonesty for years. Their mind thinks they’ve gotten away with it, yet for some reason, they begin to have physical symptoms of stress and unhappiness – cancers in the body. They are simply outward manifestations of the internal virus perpetuated by the ego.
HEALING – THE POWERFUL CHOICE
Whether you cheated, or your partner did, there is only one way to heal– take full responsibility.
When some people hear this, they say, “but I didn’t do anything.”
That’s not the responsibility I’m talking about.
I’m talking about full responsibility in the present moment. Responsibility for whether or not you become attached to the label of “victim” or “cheater.” Responsibility means moving out of emotional hurt or self-judgment and into the present moment. In the present moment, whether you cheated or your partner did, you become responsible for the new choice you make.
That choice might be to come clean and make amends.
That choice might be to forgive your partner.
That choice might be to end that relationship and move on.
That choice is to forgive yourself.
Full responsibility is simply detaching from the story of what happened (which you cannot change) and creating something new…now.
In that space, you will experience a new freedom and a new power – to create and participate in responsible, loving and full partnerships.
For more from Corey Jenkins, please visit lifewithawareness.com